well, there apparently are two me, who would struggle over each over. The bad and good periods of mine are the reign either of emotional or the rational Erica. Thats my conclusion from my previuos session with my dear doctor.
The question I am questioning myself is when does the emotional appears, what provokes the rational and content me to retrieve and give the emotional one right to rule and ruin everything that was created? What I am so running from? Lets consider two different situations and actions of me nr 1 and me nr 2.
sit.
1. I meet the guy, very sensible one, smart, good looking. I enjoy talking to him, we have so much in common ans etc. i see i can trust him, but there is smth wrong. WHAT? I would run away.
2. I meet another guy, nothing in common, just will to play, to run away from the real world most probably, i can feel he is not fair, he has no values I would appreciate, nothing, but I am attracted. Of course after a while I would run away.
Why is this happening?
I have no answer, yet. But I see the pattern, which applies in all areas of my life not only in relationships to guys. The result of it - I feel emptyness. AND running. Thats the reason of my unsatisfaction with this life and myself. Please all gods give my patience to sort it out.
søndag den 22. maj 2011
torsdag den 12. maj 2011
take care of the child
What I found out about myself from the last session was that I was treating badly myself already in childhood. As a child I had too many responsibilities therefore I would never allow myself to be sad or give up. Neither I had someone to talk to about my sadnesses and disappointments. I did not have any strong relationships with my parents or people near me.
The hardest question I could not answer was how would I comfort myself if I were the disappointed child?
But when I was asked how usually children are being comforted when they would get hurt I gave several answers without even doubting that it would be the right thing to do in this kind of situation. I thought it would be nice to give that child a sweet, say nice words etc.
So why would I think for 10 minutes how should I comfort myself - child? Why would I not treat myself the same way as I would any other child?
I am so good to others, I would always forgive them their mistakes or try to find explanation for their bad behaviour, but I would punish myself hardly even for small mistakes and I never thought as a child that I deserve comfort. What a stupid ideas I had - I was just like others, when I was sad I had to get somebody to take care of me no matter how bad or good I was.
I know that it can seem that there is no point remembering how it was and being sad about it. And I am not going to cry all my life about that. I want to stop hatred against myself now.
Now when I am grown up and can reflect myself more objectively I will take care of that child, which was never done. Well sad that it wasn't, but there can only be done one thing now.I will love her inside because she is little me, lost and scared, sad and lonely. This week I started consciously trying to give a little gift to her. Not a big one, but smth I would never do before in my life. When I will learn how to give gifts to myself I will learn how to get them from others as well. Little everyday small surprises which actually can give such a great joy for a child and for grown up as well.
The hardest question I could not answer was how would I comfort myself if I were the disappointed child?
But when I was asked how usually children are being comforted when they would get hurt I gave several answers without even doubting that it would be the right thing to do in this kind of situation. I thought it would be nice to give that child a sweet, say nice words etc.
So why would I think for 10 minutes how should I comfort myself - child? Why would I not treat myself the same way as I would any other child?
I am so good to others, I would always forgive them their mistakes or try to find explanation for their bad behaviour, but I would punish myself hardly even for small mistakes and I never thought as a child that I deserve comfort. What a stupid ideas I had - I was just like others, when I was sad I had to get somebody to take care of me no matter how bad or good I was.
I know that it can seem that there is no point remembering how it was and being sad about it. And I am not going to cry all my life about that. I want to stop hatred against myself now.
Now when I am grown up and can reflect myself more objectively I will take care of that child, which was never done. Well sad that it wasn't, but there can only be done one thing now.I will love her inside because she is little me, lost and scared, sad and lonely. This week I started consciously trying to give a little gift to her. Not a big one, but smth I would never do before in my life. When I will learn how to give gifts to myself I will learn how to get them from others as well. Little everyday small surprises which actually can give such a great joy for a child and for grown up as well.
søndag den 8. maj 2011
wishes
My first homework is to write down 20 wishes I have in this period of my life. Here is the draft:
1. I want to like myself
2. I want to believe that somebody can like me
3. I want to believe that somebody can think that I am beautiful
4.I want a plan what I want to do
5.I want to like people without judging them
6. I want to be happy while I am with other people
7. I want to feel equal with other people
8. I want to learn spanish
9. I want to start working with projects
10. I want to get my driving licence
11. I want my life stop being either white or black
12. i want to take guide course
13. I want quit smoking
14. I want a new job
15. I want to find studies for master
16. I want to plan a trip to South America
17. I want to think and want as brave as i can without hesitation
18. I want to love smbd
19. I want to stop comparing myself to others and think that others are better than me
20. I want stop being suspiciuos about everything and see conspiracy in everybody
1. I want to like myself
2. I want to believe that somebody can like me
3. I want to believe that somebody can think that I am beautiful
4.I want a plan what I want to do
5.I want to like people without judging them
6. I want to be happy while I am with other people
7. I want to feel equal with other people
8. I want to learn spanish
9. I want to start working with projects
10. I want to get my driving licence
11. I want my life stop being either white or black
12. i want to take guide course
13. I want quit smoking
14. I want a new job
15. I want to find studies for master
16. I want to plan a trip to South America
17. I want to think and want as brave as i can without hesitation
18. I want to love smbd
19. I want to stop comparing myself to others and think that others are better than me
20. I want stop being suspiciuos about everything and see conspiracy in everybody
lørdag den 7. maj 2011
The reason and the goal
This week I went to ''mind doctor'' for the first time.
I did not expect very much from our meeting, but I felt completely lost like so many times before and was on the edge of quitting my job. Dropping everything and running away again. I did it so many times before. Half a year of good start in a new place and then frustration, depression, period of bad thoughts and new start again. No meaning and lots of unhappy thoughts.
Well and I thought to myself - do I want to stop running from myself? Yes I did. That's why I opened the green door, sat on the sofa in front of a stranger and after a few tears asked her to help me. I don't think we are all so lucky to find the right person to help us on our way from just the first try, but already at the start of the session I felt that this woman is the right one.
She did not waste time and revealed me how messed up I was. Furthermore at last I confessed it to another person and understood it myself that I must choose - live in a cycle of running or try hard and put an end to this chaotic way of being. I believe everything is in my hands and I want to take a chance.
So she said I will have to work and fight hard for this and one of ways doing that is writing down the minds. She even gave me homework. :D
Usually I would destroy anything I write as after a while looking at these writings I would think that ideas were stupid or not as good as they could be. But now I want to start from beginning.
It is like the act of undressing. What a freedom is to be strip in front of another person and yourself. The power of being who you are.
I will now start undressing myself in this blog to be who I am. When I will be that I think I will know where I want to go.
I did not expect very much from our meeting, but I felt completely lost like so many times before and was on the edge of quitting my job. Dropping everything and running away again. I did it so many times before. Half a year of good start in a new place and then frustration, depression, period of bad thoughts and new start again. No meaning and lots of unhappy thoughts.
Well and I thought to myself - do I want to stop running from myself? Yes I did. That's why I opened the green door, sat on the sofa in front of a stranger and after a few tears asked her to help me. I don't think we are all so lucky to find the right person to help us on our way from just the first try, but already at the start of the session I felt that this woman is the right one.
She did not waste time and revealed me how messed up I was. Furthermore at last I confessed it to another person and understood it myself that I must choose - live in a cycle of running or try hard and put an end to this chaotic way of being. I believe everything is in my hands and I want to take a chance.
So she said I will have to work and fight hard for this and one of ways doing that is writing down the minds. She even gave me homework. :D
Usually I would destroy anything I write as after a while looking at these writings I would think that ideas were stupid or not as good as they could be. But now I want to start from beginning.
It is like the act of undressing. What a freedom is to be strip in front of another person and yourself. The power of being who you are.
I will now start undressing myself in this blog to be who I am. When I will be that I think I will know where I want to go.
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